


Soldier

by faliceplease



Category: Chicago PD
Genre: cancer storyline, linstead aren't together yet, might be triggering for some
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-11 19:03:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7066285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faliceplease/pseuds/faliceplease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jay is going through some changes, who will he let in and who will he push away?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Erin bit down on her ball point pen that rested between her lips. There was more than enough paperwork to be avoided, but she had decided to ignore it completely. The room was filled with a warm buzz as the guys all chattered across to each other. They’d only just closed a case this afternoon and since this was the first time they’d been at their desks in weeks, Voight had commanded them to finish up any paperwork they hadn’t yet filed. Given all the action this unit went through every week it was safe to say that each and every one of them had unfinished business to attend to. It had been hours since Erin had her last caffeine fix, she wanted to reboot her system. Her boots slammed against the floor as she jumped off her office chair, almost knocking her partner Jay Halstead off his feet. “Where are you going?” She asked with a raised eyebrow. He was wearing his jacket, and she could see his desk behind him was completely tidied like he was done for the day. 

Jay smirked and rest a hand on her shoulder, “Why? You gonna miss me?” He teased, flicking a strand of her hair. She folded her hands under her arm pits, her arms crossed against her chest. Jay’s smile grew when he saw the disapproving look Erin wore across her pretty face. He loved all her little facial expressions even when they were unfriendly and coincidentally aimed directly at him.

“I have a doctor’s appointment.” He gave in, adjusting his jacket as he spoke. Erin tried not to show the confusion she was now feeling, he didn’t look sick but it wasn’t her business anyway. She reached over and tapped his arm gently. Nobody even bothered to look up, they were used to the pair of them interacting by now. There was a time when Ruzek would make inappropriate comments, or when Antonio would give Jay suggestive looks but they’d since settled down which Jay couldn’t say the same for the way he felt about her, there was no settling down for him.

“See you tomorrow.” She told him, brushing past his body on her way to the break room. Jay watched her for a moment, thinking about how different his life would be if they’d never met. He quickly snapped out of his Erin Lindsay trance and slipped out of the precinct.   
***   
“Chicago PD!” Erin called out, she’d shuffled through the building along with the other detectives in her unit, she could hear Atwater and Ruzek calling out the same on the other sides of these walls. Adrenalin pumped through her veins, it had been a while since they’d done a drug bust, the signs all pointed to this very house where gang members had been dealing dodgy supplies in order to sell more they’d been adding medications that dealt with the likes of epilepsy and ADHD, things that could kill people who didn’t need it. Erin was sickened by the amount of teenagers who’d overdoses or reacted to this supply in the past few weeks. She was there to get those sons of bitches and make them pay for what they’d been doing. 

She neared a closed door at the very back of the house, she called out warning them of her presence. Her gun was out in front of her body when she opened the door. Men scrambled all fighting over who would get to the window first wanting an easy getaway. Erin wasn’t worried since Voight was lurking outside that very window ready to take them downtown. She cornered a man up against a wall, he was shouting profanities at her in Spanish, Erin didn’t speak a lick of Spanish but she’d been on the job long enough to recognise the use of swear words when she heard them. He raised his hand, and she was prepared to lunge at him if he made a run for it. He pointed out to another person who was trapped between the table the door. Erin pulled him to the ground, slapped the cuffs on him as quick as she could, wishing Halstead were there to see her. They’d been practising their cuffing speed and betting on who could cuff the fastest – something Voight would never approve of. It was their little secret. She held her gun out and walking towards the man who was coving his face and sheltering himself with the table. She kicked the table away from him with her feet, “Get on the ground!” She yelled, but the man didn’t move. She hadn’t had a chance to look at his face yet, so when he turned she had the shock of her life, “What the hell Jay?” 

***   
Erin slammed her palm against the table in the interrogation room, Jay was sitting opposite her. He hadn’t said a word since she’d hauled him off into a police car. He could tell she was mad at him, and maybe he deserved to be yelled at considering he’d just been busted buying illegal drugs, but that didn’t mean he wanted Erin to be the one to do it.   
“Why were you there?” She asked, Jay had never seen her so mad, her face was so red that he thought about calling an ambulance to see if she needed medical assistance, she’d slammed her hands against the table at least four times since they’d arrived and he could tell that she’d hurt herself in the last one. He held his breath since he didn’t want to admit to her the truth. He didn’t want her to give him the look. He could handle being suspended, he could handle having his job being taken from him but he could not handle the way Erin was going to treat him if she knew the truth. 

“Jay, I suggest you start talking before I get mad.” She told him, he tried his hardest not to laugh because well why wouldn’t he laugh? If this wasn’t mad then he would hate to see her when she had reached it.   
He folded his hands atop of the cold table, and stared off into the two way mirror. He tried to guess who was behind it, watching their entire conversation. If it was Voight he’d probably find out soon enough, if Antonio were watching he would probably be making snide remarks about how he didn’t think he had it in him, Ruzek would probably try and make this into a joke and Atwater would probably retort about how he’d never trusted him.   
“I was there to buy drugs.” Jay offered, hoping that it would be enough to end this painful experience. Erin pulled out the seat from where it had been tucked under the table. She sat down and stared him intensely, like she was looking into his soul in order to find something he wasn’t saying. He didn’t play into her game, he just stared into her eyes and tried to picture it being anywhere else but there.  
“Why do you need drugs?” Erin asked softly, her voice was calm and her eyes had since softened. He didn’t like where this was heading. He’d literally said six words to her and she was already pitying him. “Are you in trouble?” She added, Jay knew the face that she now wore. It was the same face she always gave Nadia, or anyone who ended up in a bad place. It was the face she wore when she wanted to help people. 

“You arrested me Erin, what do you think?” He asked, closing his eyes. He didn’t want to see that face anymore. No matter how much he loved the girl that sat opposite him, he just couldn’t bear to see her pity him right now.  
“Okay Mr Smart Guy.” She chuckled in amusement. “If you’re not going to tell me why you were there I’ll just have to send you to the big house so you can wait for your court date.” Jay opened his eyes and watched as Erin walked over towards the door. He didn’t want her to leave any more than he wanted to go to jail. It was bad enough that he had been caught, but if he ended up in prison for this, he was going to die in there. 

“Erin.” He sighed, stopping her just as she’d reached for the knob. She smiled and turned right around, her hand still gripping the doorknob.   
“I wasn’t there for the heavy stuff. I just needed something to take the edge off.” He confessed, peaking her interest. She walked back over to the empty chair and sat back down. Jay couldn’t look at her. He just stared down at the table, fingering a crack in the surface. “I have cancer.” He whispered, only loud enough for her to hear.  
She didn’t even think about it, her hands automatically reached over to grab hold of his. “Jay.” She whispered as if she’d lost all the energy to speak any louder than that.  
“I don’t want you to pity me.” He told her, looking up to meet her eyes. She nodded, but it was obvious to both of them that she couldn’t help it. Behind those eyes she was already seeing him differently, already worrying about his future. 

“You could have gotten a medical marijuana licence.” She whispered, wishing he’d just come to her instead of resorting to this.  
“I couldn’t, I’m not eligible Erin. You think I didn’t look into that? I’m a cop. This could ruin me.”  
“Voight will fix this.” She promised, linking her fingers with his. He wasn’t so sure how Voight could help, but he trusted that she believed he would so he nodded.


	2. Chapter 2

Jay tapped his fingers against the outline of the cage. Voight had locked him in there exactly one hour prior and he was bored out of his mind. Erin was in possession of his cell phone so he couldn’t even call anyone to come back for him. Not that he expected them to, after all he was involved in illegal activities. He heard footsteps and immediate sprung to his feet. Erin was the first person he saw, she walked slowly over toward him, her hands pushed into her pockets. “Erin.” He spoke with a tired voice. She didn’t react.   
“Voight’s putting his foot down, I’m sorry.” She told him, turning back towards the stairs. 

“Erin!” Jay shouted, not wanting her to leave, she kept walking listening to the sounds of her partner shouting her name over and over. She didn’t know what else she could do and it broke her.   
Voight was waiting for her when she returned; she crossed her arms over her chest in annoyance. There was nothing that he could say to her that would make this situation any easier.   
He however had other plans, he gathered the team down stairs where Jay was gawked at like a monkey in the zoo. Voight made sure they all came in close before he started to speak. “This doesn’t leave our unit.” He told them, looking at each one of them individually to make sure they were listening. He even turned back to look at Jay who nodded his head.   
“Jay was undercover when this happened, is that clear?” Voight barked, and everyone began to nod. They all knew that wasn’t what happened. But right now they had to put all their morals behind them and do what was right for the team. Jay locked eyes with Erin who looked relieved, he slowly mouthed the words “Thank you.” And she nodded ever so subtly. 

Voight unlocked the imprisoned detective, slapping him on the back. He leaned into Jay’s personal space aligning himself close enough to whisper, “If I ever catch you near drugs again. You’ll never work in this city again.”   
Jay nodded, fear clouded his eyes. Voight swiftly started walking away from him. He looked down at his feet; he’d really messed up this time. There was one person he needed to talk to, but when he looked up and scanned the room she was already gone.   
It had been a long day, so Jay was thankful when he was unlocking his apartment door later that evening. He threw his jacket over the kitchen counter and pressed the play button on his answering machine. 

“Jay, its Dr Holden. Your blood work has come back, you’ll need to call my office to make an appointment before the end of the week.” Jay stiffened, for a moment there he’d almost forgotten all about the tests he’d taken a few days earlier. All he wanted was to go to bed and forget all about the world. He slipped his scuffed boots off of his sore feet and tread lazily towards his bedroom. His phone vibrated vigorously in his back pocket causing him to jump. The caller ID read Erin Lindsay. He didn’t want to answer it. Why would he want to talk to her? He didn’t, he let it ring out. Until of course she started calling yet again. He slipped his jeans down his legs and climbed on top of his carefully made bed. He knew if he didn’t answer she’d probably appear on his doorstep and try to bang his door down off its hinges. He pressed the answer button with anticipated regret.   
“Hey, I thought you were coming to Molly’s.” She stated, it was supposed to be a question but the way she said it implied that she was expecting him to be there.   
“Not in the mood.” He told her, closing his eyes and sighing as quietly as humanly possible.  
“Do you want me to come over?” She asked awkwardly, pushing herself into his life was something Jay had noticed a lot of recently. He didn’t expect it would change now considering she’s been clued in on his diagnosis.  
“Look Erin, I’m tired. All I want to do is sleep.” He tried to let her down easily. She put on a tough front but even then she wasn’t completely incapable of having her feelings hurt.  
“Alright, well I guess I’ll see you at work tomorrow then?” She hoped out loud. Jay squeezed the bridge of his nose not knowing what to say.

“We’ll see.”  
“Goodnight Jay.”  
“Night Erin.”  
When Jay arrived through the front entrance at work the following morning he was horrified to find a box sitting on Platt’s desk labelled “Halstead’s Cancer Fund.” He walked over to her desk and started yelling, “What the hell is this?”  
“Can’t you read?” She asked, clearly not affected by his tone, she looked back down at her work and continued as if he wasn’t standing right in front of her.  
“Who told you about that anyway?” He asked. Erin was the only person he had told, so why the hell did Platt and now the rest of the precinct, know about his diagnosis? This made him mad, madder than he’d been in a long time.   
“Everybody knows.” She shrugged, “If you don’t have any work to do I can give you some, if not move out of the entry way. This isn’t a hotel foyer, I’m not customer service.” Jay grabbed the box and rushed up the stairs into intelligence.  
“Who told Platt?” He demanded, holding the box up in the air. Nadia held her hand over the receiver of the telephone. She didn’t want the person on the other end to hear Halstead’s tantrum. 

Nobody answered him, they all just stared at him. This only angered him further, he threw the box down onto the floor with an almighty force. “My cancer is my business, you got that?” He shouted, and Nadia pulled away frightened he would start throwing more things.  
“Jay, we didn’t tell anyone.” Erin said calmly from the other side of the room. Jay met her eyes, his were filled with anger and hers were filled with pity. He picked up the money that had spilled out of the box he’d destroyed and walked over to Erin.  
“Here, why don’t you buy something pretty.” He snapped, believing it was her who spilled the beans to everyone. Her face fell, she hadn’t been the one who told, she would never do that to him.   
She tried to speak up but it was too late, he’d already left in a huff. She rest her hand against her chest, her heart was throbbing against her chest. It felt like she was going to explode. She couldn’t have him hating her, she just couldn’t.  
She jumped up from behind her desk, swung her jacket around her shoulders and ran after him. She flew down the staircase in an effort to catch up with him, he was already outside blowing off steam.

 

“Jay.” She called out. He turned around angrily, giving her the world’s worst death stare.  
“It wasn’t me.” She told him, keeping her distance.  
He didn’t speak. There was no “I over reacted” or “I’m sorry.” But Erin was okay with that. She knew he was hurting and he needed time to calm down. She got it. She really did.  
“There’s a lot of money in that box. People want to help you, you’re allowed to let them.” She spoke cautiously. She watched as Jay’s breath lingered in the cold air in front of him. She wanted to reach out to him and let him know that she cared but she didn’t know how to, she’d never seen him like this.  
“When will you get it Erin? I don’t need your help with this.” He said coldly, walking past her and back into the building. She looked up to the sky to push back her tears. All she wanted was to show him he wasn’t alone.


	3. Chapter 3

Erin was at the wheel, and despite their earlier tiff. Voight had sent them off to do surveillance together. Jay hadn’t spoken a word and the tension in the air was thicker than ever. They were laying low, to lower their chances of being seen but even then. They’d never sat in complete silence before. This was deafening, she couldn’t stand not speaking to him. It felt unnatural. 

She bit the bullet. “Jay, I’m sorry if you think I’m trying to be some kind of hero. I’m not. I just want you to know I have your back.” She said softly looking out her windshield. Jay glanced in her direction, he didn’t want everything to be solved by an apology but the thing was. He believed her. He’d always trusted her.   
“I got some results back.” Jay’s voice was heavy, like he was forcing himself to speak. Erin could practically feel his uneasiness leaping out and choking her.   
She turned, that was good news wasn’t it? Or at least she thought that’s where he was headed. She wanted to believe that all news had the possibility of being good news.  
“I don’t have to have surgery any time soon. But the tumor in my leg is still hanging around.” He was speaking calmly but the truth was ever since he found out, he’d convinced himself it wasn’t happening. Besides the occasional pain that shot up his leg when he’d been on it too long, he felt fine. He didn’t want to believe that there was anything wrong with him.

 

“So what happens now?” She asked, she didn’t like the idea of Jay being sick. Not even if he had it under control.  
“They’re going to try radiation, it’s still only small but the doc told me it’s cancerous.”   
She didn’t know how she felt about all this. Jay had been her companion for so long, he saved her life more than once and now some default of his body could take him out of her life completely and to say it sucked was an understatement. All she wanted to do was reach over and give him a bone crushing hug but he didn’t want sympathy. He didn’t want her to treat him like anything was different, so she held herself back. Pretending it was some kind of dental work he was having done was the only thing that was keeping her sane. 

“Radiation sounds rough.” She finally spoke, her head still in the game. She didn’t want to get distracted by the weight on her chest. They were on a job, this could wait until later when she was alone and nobody could see her crying.  
“I’ve been through worse.”   
The feeling in Erin’s stomach wasn’t pleasant. She felt like she was about to throw up everything she’d ever eaten, or her body was about to explode. She was holding down so many thoughts, keeping down so many feelings. It was like she didn’t have control over herself. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what Jay was feeling.  
“Erin.” He snapped his fingers to grab her attention. She was still lost in her thoughts.  
“Erin! Drive!” He screamed, as men with guns came rushing towards the car. She jolted to attention and put her foot down on the acceleration. Jay held onto his seat as she tore off down the street. Bullets hit the back of her car, but she just kept driving. It was only a few moments before a string of cars came out of back alleys, intimidating her as she was now surrounded. 

Jay was requesting back up into his radio as she tried to control the road rage situation. “Jay I can’t keep them off for long.” She yelled in a panic. He rolled down his window and undid his seatbelt. “Jay!” She yelled in disapproval as he sat backwards and started shooting back.  
The distant sound of sirens gave Erin a slither of hope as Jay managed to shoot out some tires of the closest car. They kept shooting until their car had come to a complete stop in the middle of the road. She turned on her own sirens to signal other drivers to steer clear, it wasn’t a busy road but she didn’t want other citizens to be at risk.  
Police cars raced down the street coming towards them, she pulled to a stop, curving the car horizontal across the road mouth. She grabbed her gun, apologizing to Jay who had hit his head against the dash, he didn’t mind. The pair of them rushed over to the cars who had them in pursuit. “Chicago PD! Get out of the car.” She yelled as Jay took the other car. 

“Hands in the air!” She could hear him yelling metres away from her.   
“Get on the ground!” She demanded and the driver fell to his knees, “On the ground!” She yelled again until he was laying flat against the hard ground.   
She slapped the cuffs on him and waited for a uniformed cop to rip him off the road. She dusted herself off and signalled Jay to come back to the car with her.  
They sped off, leaving the shooters to be dragged off to the station in the back of black and whites.   
“I know this is going to sound lame, but if you want someone to come with you when you get your treatment, just say the word.” She spoke quickly, wanting to get it all off her chest. Jay nodded, he appreciated her need to make him feel comfortable even though he didn’t need her to be that way.  
“I’d like that.” He answered, with a small smile across his lips.  
“Good, because if you said no I had this whole thing planned. Involving handcuffing us together.” She laughed.  
He shook his head, “You just want to get close to me.”  
“Oh you want me that close to you.” She snorted, but she was smiling just as much as he was.  
“Who wouldn’t?”


	4. Chapter 4

Sometimes Jay didn’t feel like he was the good guy. He felt like he was just a guy. Good things happen to good people, and clearly with that logic he mustn’t be a very good person. As he downed another drink at Molly’s, he was trying to drown his sorrows with Jack Daniels but despite how intoxicated he seemed to be, he could never fully drift away from his thoughts.   
On the walk home he stumbled more than once, but that only lead him to think about what life would be like if he’d have to remove his leg. No longer would he be able to stumble around drunk the way he was now, no longer would he be able to do his job. The thoughts alone made him want to drink more.  
The hangover he endured the next morning reminded him why emotional drinking was s stupid idea. He walked into work feeling like complete crap, and judging by the looks people were giving him, he looked it too. Erin passed him a mug of coffee after he’d finally sat down behind his desk. He looked at her through squinted eyes and said a simple thank-you. She told him not to mention it before scooting off to her own messy desk.   
Voight called the team to attention, scribbling notes onto the white board. Jay was trying to listen and for the most part he had heard the skeleton of this next case, but his head was making it hard for him to concentrate on it completely. When Erin grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him down the stairs, he realised they’d been instructed to go somewhere and he’d missed it.   
It was the first time that he was actually glad that Erin was the resident driver in their relationship, he was happy to sit still on the drive and lay low for once while Erin filled him in on what they were doing.   
“Did you watch the news this morning?” Erin asked him curiously as she cruised down the streets. Jay looked at her in confusion but her eyes were on the road, she wasn’t paying him any attention.   
“No, why?” He asked flatly. The news was mostly filled with conspiracy and assumptions when it came to reporting police matters. He avoided it like the plague.   
“Another toddler was taken. We’re going to talk to the parents. So you’d better put on your best smile and pretend you didn’t drown in whisky last night.”  
“You think I drink whisky?” He asked her, bypassing the point she was trying to make. She was concerned about him. He was her partner and her friend. She knew he had a lot on his mind but she always thought he’d be able to handle things better than this.   
“What time did you come home last night?” She asked, furthering the conversation. She didn’t have the time or patience to pull him into line today. He needed to pull himself together so she didn’t have to do it for him.   
“Like two maybe?” He took a rough guess, he wasn’t looking at the clock when he came home. He was too busy with his head descending into the toilet bowl. He didn’t want to tell Erin every detail so he kept it to himself.   
“Alright, well tonight you’re getting an early one or I’ll personally make sure you’re stuck behind your desk for the rest of your week.” She threatened, parking the car on the side of the road.   
Jay followed her, keeping his sunglasses on to mask the harsh sun rays. He walked in her footsteps, following her to the front door. She pressed her hand against his chest and hissed, “Don’t screw this up.”   
As to be expected the couple were distraught. Jay thought he was having a bad morning but these two were feeling a million times worse. They’d gone out for dinner, leaving their son in the care of a trusted babysitter, only to come home and find her dead and their baby missing.   
He had to sit in their living room, which was now decorated with crime scene tape. He had to listen to the mother crying and the father blaming himself. He had to watch a couple shatter in front of his eyes and he felt bad for them. He didn’t even know what to say to them. All he could muster was, “We’ll do the best we can.” Erin was amazing as usual, asking them questions and making sure they felt comfort.   
The couple promised they’d call if they thought of anything else and Erin dragged him back to the car in silence. He climbed into the passenger side and buckled his seat belt.   
“You were so helpful.” She retorted sarcastically, patting him on the knee.  
He pushed his sunnies up the bridge of his nose and said slowly, “You’re better at this.”  
“You should give yourself more credit, I’ve seen you negotiate knives out of killers hands and rescuing children from all kinds of dangers. You’re not that bad at the people thing.”  
“The people thing?” He repeated with a chuckle.  
“You know what I mean, you’re not so bad at comforting people when you need to.”  
“You’re good at it, must be the womanly touch.” He joked as they turned around a corner.   
“If you’re about to make some crude joke about me giving you a womanly touch, you’re walking home.”  
“I wasn’t!” He insisted, laughing at her accusation, she chuckled herself. Although he mightn’t have been thinking it this time, she had no doubt that he would have come up with it himself.   
“You know I’m going to be by your side with everything right?” She asked softly, neither of them wanted to be in a deep and meaningful right now, but the words were still floating above their heads.   
“I know Erin.”


End file.
